The Magic Hour
Every night since I was a child,
3:00 am
I would hear the foot steps come into my bedroom.
I would try as hard as I could to pretend I was asleep.
It wouldn't matter.
I would feel his touch.
I would feel his breath upon me
I knew to be silent
I knew to be "good."
4:00 am would come and I could sleep.
To this very day,
I wake up at 3:00 am
In my mind I hear his footsteps,
To this very day,
I have flashbacks of him entering my bed.
To this very day,
I hate the hours between 3:00 - 4:00 am.
posted by Bughouse Square @ 4:52 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
i had many ppl visit my sight and comment on my writings. so many ppl. wrote how bad they felt for me and how each post they read made them cry, and get angry etc... every reader had some sort of intense emotion redaing my story.
But what about me? I had no feeling. i just wrote without any feelings attached no teams no anger etc.. i lived through what i wrote and couldnt feel it as a write yet every one else felt its intensity.
but when i read this post, now i have feelings. its a short post but boy did i feel it. now i feel how others felt for me - the sorro, im scared reading it..i know how it feels..it kills real bad to read.
but i noticed something recently. i always wanted ppl to feel bad for me. i wanted ppl to hear my story and feel bad. but now that ppl feel bad for me - i realize whats the point?
i went to my therapist today and shared with him the fact that i didnt feel emotions while writing. so what i did was i read my entries ti him during our sessiion. that was really emotional to verbalize the events.
what about you? do you feel emotions reading my story? do you feel emotions writing your story?
see my e-mail as i wrote it better there
read your email. hope you read mine.
Hi Tom,
You are very luck you have a family, I was told that because of all the scar tissue I have, I most likely never be able to have children.
I've been told that this problem is not that uncommon for incest survivors when the abuse starts when they are little. There are some surgeries I can do to try to get rid of some of the scar tissue, but I guess I'm waiting to have it until I end up getting married.
It all gets very overwhelming quickly.
I do not know if I'll ever be able to be a parent. I guess that was taken away from me too.
I don't know who to be angry at, my parents, their parents, God, myself. I try to take a deep breath and exhale it all away. If I don't do that I just get overwhelmed with feelings, and can't stop crying.
I know we all have to deal with loss, and mourn what will never be. I'm talking about the imnocence of childhood.
Thank Shalom for translating and posting your thoughts. I really appreciate everything you are saying. Please keep writing.
You are very luck you have a family, I was told that because of all the scar tissue I have, I most likely never be able to have children.
Bughouse, these words are too scourging to bear.
I wish there was something more I could do to ease your pain other than to promise I will be here to read your every word.
This seems so insufficient.
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