Looking For God, Looking For Answers
Some days are harder then others. The other day was tough. I had a session with my therapist, and started asking why God let me be abused. I know we all have free will, but come on. This is a bit crazy for that to be the only answer.
My therapist isn't connected to anything spiritually, so she really couldn't answer. She suggested I ask a rabbi. So I started going through a phone book calling. No one seemed to have an answer for me. Most just got off the phone as quickly as possible. Not wanting to talk about incest.
I started typing in all sorts of url's. Did you know if you type in god.com, it comes to a Christian site? I didn't think they would have the answers I was looking for, so I typed in hashem.com. This brought me to a web page called "askmoses.com".
I looked around the site a bit, and figured it was Jewish. There was a place at the top that you can talk to a rabbi on line. So I tried it. I did it a few times. The first rabbi I had only could say it's because we have free will. He couldn't think of anything else to say to me.
Another rabbi just said I'm sorry that you were abused, and said that's not a "Jewish thing to do to your children." I typed in a bit more, but he just stopped responding.
A third rabbi, just told me to start going to Tanya classes. That's when I realized the web site was connected to Chabad. I told him I didn't feel comfortable going to classes. He just said he was sorry, but that was the best he could do.
I'm frustrated, and want answers. If anyone feels they can help me understand, please do.
posted by Bughouse Square @ 8:30 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
Hi Bugs,
I know what you are dealing with can be extremely frustrating.
I know it can be difficult to find a rabbi who you feel you can relate to, and has a good understanding about incest and other forms of sexual abuse. If you give me a call I can give you some names and numbers of some rabbis who may be helpful to you. I can be reached at 443-857-5560. I also wanted to suggest you read the following information that would be helpful to you in your search to find a rabbi.
Finding A Rabbi: Tips for Survivors of Sexual Violence
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/FindingRabbi.html
I also think it's important to also read this article.
Rabbis, Confidentiality and Other Ethical Issues
http://theawarenesscenter.org/rabbisconfidentiality.html
Just remember that because someone says they are an ordained rabbi, does not make them knowledgable in issues pertaining to survivoring sexual abuse. Please be careful.
there were a few coincedences that i find pretty weird. I dont know you and you dont know me. But
1. we both started blogging at about the same time and the blog is about more or less the same type of stuff.
2. if you were accurate with your birthday info. then our birthdays are also very close to one anothers.
3. Back to the present disscussion: i was having a very very difficuly week this week and had to make an extra therapist appointment this week on monday. (the stress and stuff that was making me feel very bad this week was due to the unexpected popularity of my blog in my community)
I have been in therapy for over 4 years now. but this monday - i asked my therapist a question that i never brought up before bec. it was too painful of a question to ask until now: Why did god do this to me? what did i do wrong? why did i deserve this life? etc...i am filled with so much anger at god bec of these questions that to actually verbalize them was extremely powerful to me. i was crying like crazy. my body was shaking from such powerful emotions. ...the truth is that i dont want or need an answer to these questions. i dont need to ask a rabbi so he could give me some religious answer or something. all i need was to be able to verbalize one of the most intense emotional questions that has been wraking my brain for so long. and what i really needed was the response i got from my therapist. his response to my questions was that: " now those are some damn good questions"
no answer. nothing to make sense of something that doesnt make sense. the answer is "silence". the answer is that your question "is a damn good question"..the healing will come from your asking the question not from some rabbis answer. because no answer will satisfy you bec there is no answer.
SILENCE...AND FROM A FELLOW HUMAN BEING I DEEPLY UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN AND YOUR QUESTIONS. THEY ARE SOME REALLY POWERFUL DAMN GOOD QUESTIONS - and im not even a therapist.
Hi Bugs and Angry,
I wish I had the answers too. You are right, these are very good questions.
A friend of mine just suggested a book. I haven't read it yet, but plan too.
The book is by Rabbi Joseph B.
Soloveitchik. Called "Kol Dodi Dofek".
I was told it has just been published in English
translation by Ktav and entitled, "Listen--My Beloved Knocks."
The book is Rabbi Soloveitchik's thoughts on how to deal with catastrophe and how to move
beyond being a person of fate to being a person of destiny.
Please let me know if you have read it already, and if you did, what did you think about it?
Here's a link to the book
http://www.ktav.com/product_info.php?products_id=2060
Shalom,
One I want to be very clear I am not minimizing your spiritual questions and search, for they are valid. Nor am I attempting to minimize your emotional or spiritual pain.
Frankly I am surprised that the Rabbi's you spoke to were not able to help you or at least give you some real spiritual guidance.
In your blog you stated "I had a session with my therapist, and started asking why God let me be abused. I know we all have free will, but come on. This is a bit crazy for that to be the only answer."
In essence your question is "God, why me?"
The best answer I have ever heard to that question is "Why not you ?"
A little child develops leukemia and dies? God why?
A person at the prime of their life is hit by a bus and dies?
Parents have an ugly divorce when the children are young and the children are permanently scarred?
The holocaust?
God why did you let me abused?
You did not have free will to be abused I am assuming do to age, etc., your free will comes into play in how you handle the abuse that has happened. As you are aware many people who have been abused become abusers themselves.MNot all individuals who have been abused seek professional help.
For whatever reason your abuser abused you they had a free will choice to abuse or not to abuse. They failed.
One can also look at it from even a deeper Jewish spiritual point of view. The issue of reincarnation. Why we reincarnate. Why we were born to the specific parents we needed for this lifetime who will set in motion the trajectory we need to transform ourselves. Some people never need to know. They go along in life and all is either fine, or appears fine to be outsiders. And others have difficulties and either they work or deal with them or they let them take over their lives. eventhough your therapist may not be spiritually oriented, your work with her is part of your spiritual journey.
There are Jewish sources that deal with these issues including I believe parts of Tanya.And I am sure that you will eventually find a Rabbi who will be able to disscuss the spiritual issues with you.
I am not minimizing your pain or suffering nor justifying what took place. But somewhere over the horizon maybe or maybe not you will get a glimpse of why all this has happened.
Be well!
God bless!
Does anyone know of any rabbis who are also survivors? I'm thinking that's what I need. I want someone who's been where I've been and still feels a connection.
angrysoul,
please send me an email if you want. I know you are taking a break from blogging. We do have a lot in common.
Hi,
I wanted to let you know that I just went to askmoses.com. I was also disappointed in the response I got from the woman who responded. When I asked her why I was abused, her response was "how am I supposed to know?" or something like that.
With the statistics out there of how many of us are survivors of abuse, you would think at least they would have a better answer then "how am I supposed to know".
I think the rabbis at askmoses need some serious education.
I wanted to tell you all that a rabbi from askmoses contacted me, and apologized. He's pretty cool too. Turns out he works with offenders in prison. He gets it. I wish there were rabbis who were also survivors I could talk to. If anyone knows of any, please ask them to write me.
Tom,
Thanks so much for writing what you wrote. I wish I could say I was angry at God. I don't feel angry. Maybe I am? I'm just so confused. I do hear what you are saying, but I still want someone to figure out the "why." Hey, if they can figure out how to make a chicken kosher, why can't they figure out why the cycle of abuse reigned in my family?
What was the meaning for it? What am I supposed to do with it all? You know what I mean?
I think I'm mad at rabbis for being so stupid, or should I say ignorant.
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