Surviving Abuse and the Legal System
It seems that there is a lot of pressure coming from those who have never been abused to use the legal system "to get" your offender. There are a lot of reasons why a survivor may choose not to do this. I know for myself, this is not the answer.
I never could imagine putting my father in jail. He's my dad. I love him. I don't care what he did to me. He is still my father.
If you try to put your offender in jail then your whole life story is open to the public, with your name attached. I don't know if I'd want that. I know that many survivors don't care. But for myself I do.
Early on when I started therapy I was such a mess. I would never want my psychological record made public. If I tried to sue my perpetrator I'm sure that would be entered into evidence. It's really not so simple to use the legal system.
I remember at one point I thought about suing my parents, to help me pay for counseling, but after doing research on the topic I decided I couldn't do that.
Below are some helpful links if someone else would be interested in learning what I did
- Legal Resources for Victims of Sexual Abuse - by Susan K. Smith
- Civil Compensation Claims By Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - by Chester Fairley
- Shifting the Burden of Truth: Suing Child Abusers - Joseph and Kimberly Crnuch
- Sexual Abuse and Molestation in Illinois
- Help For Victims - US Dept. of Justice
posted by Bughouse Square @ 6:15 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Hi Bugs,
I wanted to start off by thanking you personally for the courage it took to start this blog. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to make your life public. I've read all of your postings. You are really touching on some key topics that so many survivors struggle with.
The suing your offender, or attempting to bring criminal charges up against your offender is not always in the best interest of a survivor, especially if the offender is a relative. It really has to be a personal decision.
I want to wish you all the best in your healing journey!
This seems to be an interesting debate as to what should be done to the perpitrator. As far as what happened to my perpetrator - i'll discuss more in detail another time( in my blog)...But the basics are that i confronted him last year. He admitted to me all the wrongs that he did to me. I am working together with a team. i am working with a powerful Rabbi, a lawyer, and a private investgator, and some people that are very powerful in the Jewish Community (and have a lot of money) - He admitted that besides abusing me - he also abused over 100 other children, and that only what he's admitting to. I have 4 hours of his confessions on tape. I can have him jailed in the blink of an eye. But my current thoughts are what's the point? What is gained by taking revenge? How does that help me in my healing? I'll let God take care of his punishment (eventhough i'm not such a big fan of God right now). I made him tell his family - who now knows and ACS - child services went to his home to see if his children are at risk. He was forced to enter into a program where they can make sure that he doesnt abuse anyone again...There's alot more to be said but i'll tell you all more in detail another time.....My point is what is actually the point of getting revenge - and putting him in jail? How does that help my recovery? I have a better plan. I now have him by the balls bec. i can threaten him by saying im taking the case publically and ruin his name. he must do whatever i tell him. So when im in the need my therapist calls him up and he must come to my therapy seesion. In a safe environment i can now share with hime my feelings of what he did to me and how badly he hurt me...etc.. i can do this whenever i want. This way instead of him rotting away in jail. i can use him for my recovery whever i need. Recently my family came with me to my session and we brought him along. My family was able to express themselves individually how they all feel aabout him and how he ruined all of our lives. I gotta run.. but comments and opinion about this are appreciated and i'll write more exact details in my blog when the time allows. MY regenge is an on going process.
What do you think about this idea of instead of taking revenge and making it public - using the perpitrator for your healing at your pace - by bringing him into therapy and getting all your pent up emotions out.
It's a scary idea and takes guts but it has a good payoff.
Angry,
You made some valid points. It's good you let child protection services know about what happened on tape, that they are checking out his kids, and he's in treatment.
I'll be honest with you, I would still want his name made public. It only takes a short time for him to find another victim.
Does the shul he daven's in know about what he did to you? I mean it only takes a few minutes to grab another boy in the bathroom, or if he goes to the bathroom in a mall, there's boys there.
I would never want my father to go to jail. But everyone in the community knows about him. It's public knowledge.
It's good you can use him for your healing. I just really am afraid for others. Five - ten years from now, will your perpetrator create more victims? I read somewhere they have more then 50 percent chance of revictimizing after they go to jail. So your guy never will go to jail, so the risks are even higher from him?
how will making his name public prevent him from abusing other children. i personally know a sex offender whos name was made public and his entire community knows about him - his community even sent bullies to his house to beat him up - they shaved off his beard and payos and he was in a hospital for a week bec. of his injuries - yet hes now still abusing kids. So the publicity of the matter had no affect.
My abuser claims to not abuse chilren anymore. He no longer has the urgeWe recently had him take a lie detector test to see if hes telling the truth. He also had to take another test. they strapped his penis to a machine and showed him picures of men, women, young boys and young girls and saw which pictures stimulated him and which not. I havent yet heard the results from either test. But fyi these tests do exist - to see the threat of the abuser. All this is part of a program that perpetrators go to to make sure they dont abuse again - i'll find out more about this program if you want to hear exactly what its about. I have a meeting with one of my uncleswho works with me in my case,
And i understand that you wouldnt send your father to jail.Its a little more complicated when its a family member i guess
By the way do you still live in the same house as your father?
If yes - than what is that like? How is your relatinship with him?
If no - then turn to page 56.
Until then, Shabbat shalom
I am so against people beating up other people. Violence is never the answer to solving problems. To me, those who beat up other people are just as bad as those who molest children.
We need to educate everyone who lives near a sex offender about their problems. I mean what makes them tick. I went a lecture and heard someone speak. They said that most people who abuse other people were abused themselves when they were kids.
I know that is true with my dad. My dad was abused by someone in his family. I don't know if that person who abused my dad was also abused, but I sort of think he was.
I don't know what I'd do if someone beat up my dad. I just want him to be in therapy, and get the help he needs.
I don't want to go into more about my dad, because I don't want people to know who I am. I don't want the world to know I'm an incest survivor.
To me that's very private. If I choose to tell someone that's OK, but I want to pick and choose who knows.
I really don't think my father will abuse anyone unless they are living in his home. There are no more kids living there.
My therapist always says rape is about power and control. It has nothing to do with sex. Those that abuse also have self-esteem problems.
You know the saying "it takes a village to raise a child," well I think the same is true about sex offenders. We were all too busy looking the other way, when they were growing up, and no one ever offered them the help they needed, so I think we need to do it now. I'm not saying beat them up. I'm saying we need to monitor them. Just like you wouldn't let someone drunk drive a car. You shouldn't let someone who molests have the opportunity to be alone with a child.
I also think it takes a village to stop a sex offender. We need to do more then just make their names public. I think we need to escort them when they are in public places that children could be present.
I moved out of my parents home the day I turned 18. I see them a few times a month.
What's on page 56?
Because of the discussion going on in this blog, I thought the following article that I just posted on my blog would be interesting to discuss.
Rabbis Investigating Allegations of Sexual Offenses (© 2006) By Vicki Polin
http://jewishsurvivors.blogspot.com/2006/02/rabbis-investigating-allegations-of.html
Hey JewishSurvivor,
I just read the article. I agree with it 100%.
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