My Bughouse Square

There's abuse in Jewish Communities!

2006-05-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm on the mailing list for The Awareness Center, have been reading the Jewish Survivors and Unorthodox Jew blogs regularly. I'm getting so overwhelmed reading what I read. I keep telling myself to stop, but I don't. I know how important what I have been reading is. I know the world is changing right before my eyes. There are so many cases of sexual abuse in the Jewish community. I know it's no different then any other community, but this is about my people. I know that most of the things I'm reading about are coming from religious communities. I am not from that kind of community. The problem is that we are all Jews.

I read about Rabbi Marc Gafni. I was in shock. I've met him a few times. Each time I met him my gut was telling me to run away, to stay as far away from him as I could. He really creeped me out. It wasn't anything he did or said It was more on instinct. It was the way he looked at me. I felt like I was naked in front of him. I saw the way he interacted with other women. At the time I thought I was just having a flashback or something. Now I know my gut was right.

I read all the stuff on blogs and cry. I don't know if it's tears of sadness or joy. I say sadness because I know the pain each of the survivors have been going through. I say joy because all this shit is coming out in the open. No more secrets!

I hate negative flashbacks!

2006-04-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's always an odd thing.

There are times I go back to my parents home and everything is wonderful. I feel loved and cared for. There are other times I go back to the neighborhood I grew up, and I'm a little girl all over again. I mean in my head.

There are times I can drive around and it's just like driving through anywhere else. Then there are the days I just panic. It's like nothing has ever changed. I go here, I go there and all I do is remember this and that.

My therapist always explains to me that it's flashbacks, and that you have flashbacks that are positive too. Like life there are the negatives and the positives, even in flashbacks.

I hate negative flashbacks.

Summer Breeze Please!

2006-03-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

I decided I don't want to just blog about being a survivor. I'm sick and tired of winter. I want to see flowers, and green grass. My foot is finally at a place that I can drive distances again. So I went on a mini road trip.

I drove down Sheridan Rd. Started off around Belmont Harbor and ended up in Lake Bluff. The ride is always filled with such wonderful memories.

It wasn't the best day weather wise to do this, but I did it anyway. I stopped at Northwestern and watched the waves crash against the rocks. I was going to go into Bahai Temple, but decided to just drive past it to the entrance of Gilson Beach. I thought about the zillions of times I've been there with friends, and the picnics in the summer.

Of course I had to stop at Plaza del lago and stop at Convito Italiano to pick up a few things. I haven't been there in a while.

PLEASE LET IT BE SUMMER SUMMER ALREADY!

The hardest part of the drive is going back home. Had to get back in time for therapy. I can't wait until the day that's not a part of my reality.

I love life, but I get suicidal

2006-03-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

I love life, but I get suicidal, what's that all about?

I have a good life. I have people who love me and I love back, but at times I get obsessed with wanting to end my life.

I don't know if it's really my life I want to end, or the intense pain. Some times I think it's really the memories.

I wish I could come out of my body and be in someone else's. I wish I could trade memory chips, and replace mine with a life without abuse.

What would it be like to have grown up with a loving family that didn't abuse?

What would it be like to not worry if my children were with their grandparents over night?

What would it be like to be empathetic to those who have been abused, but not really understand what it's like?

What would it be like to never have to talk yourself out of ending your life?

Don't Come Near Me Says The Monster Within. . .

2006-03-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Flashbacks,
Being triggered.
Not meaning to attack.
It happens.
Hold me, love me -- please understand.

I get scared.
I get petrified.
I live in the past at times.

I want to be in the here and now.
I get triggered.

I have a hard time on an emotional level knowing the difference between then and now.
The monster within wants to be loved -- but doesn't know how to be.

Conversation with a Rabbi

2006-03-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm so sick and tired of everyone asking me this question. Yes, both my parents are Jewish. I've been told over and over again that it only really matters if my mother is Jewish. The truth of the matters is it doesn't really matter to me. What blessings has this ever brought me? I was told that I was lying about my abuse. Remember "Jews don't abuse their children".

When you tell a rabbi you were abused they look at you like you are from Mars. I'm a woman, so I must be from Venus.

I had a few e-mail exchanges with a rabbi. I thought for a bit maybe he understood about abuse and what it's like to be a survivor. I was wrong.

I find a great deal of healing writing on my blog. Even my rape counselor approves of it.

I'll be honest with you, I don't like hanging around old people because I don't know which ones of them could have abused their kids. I don't have the time right now to consistently volunteer. If I did, I would spend time with foster kids.

Here's some of the chat:

How to wipe the slate clean is a great question? I will try to answer with a different question.

For a man Judaism is very clear that masturbation is against Jewish law. It is not relevant to what I am going to write as to the reasons, so I am going forward. As a Rabbi, men, especially single men ask me how they can stop themselves from masturbating. The answers fall into two categories. One category is to remove the stimuli. The man should not read pornographic magazines, for instance, watch erotic movies, and the list goes on. Now, the man can ask, “but just walking in the street I see women who arouse me.” And he is 100% correct. Removing stimuli is of limited help.

We need a different kind of solution, one that is not negative but positive. How? If the man tries his best to be occupied with positive things then he will not have the time to think about all the stimuli he may be seeing. Of course he should remove as much of the stimuli as possible, but that is not the real answer. The real answer is to change focus. Is it hard? Extremely, but no one said it was going to be easy.

Likewise, you want to change how you feel about G-d and you are 100% correct. But it is not working and in my opinion the negative approach rarely works. You need to, only my opinion, get involved in helping other people. Now, I do not mean helping other survivors of abuse. Yes, they need help but I am not sure if you need to be the one right now trying to help. You do not need any more reminders of what was done to you. Our goal is to change focus. Perhaps you can find a nursing home where you can volunteer. There are people in a nursing home that are in essence abandoned. No one comes to visit them. If you would go on some kind of regular basis and just sit with them, you cannot imagine the joy you will be giving them, even if they may appear belligerent and unappreciative.

This in my opinion will help you change focus. If possible, let’s start with something like I mentioned. But, don’t expect miracles, please. As you know much better than me, you have a phenomenal amount of hurt and it is a journey you need to travel; a long journey. But, every journey starts with that first step. We can still turn around and see where we came from and we can decide to not make the journey. In my opinion that would be a mistake. Start the journey and over time the place where you came from will become smaller and smaller. I doubt if it will ever disappear, but eventually you will have the choice if you want to turn around and look back or to continue on your journey looking forward.

Terms of Endearment

2006-03-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

Terms My Offender Used to Describe Me

Crazy
Delusional
Difficult
Evil
Fool
Hysterical
Idiot
Insane
Insanity
Kook
Kooky
Liar
Looney
Lunatic
Mad
Mental
Neurotic
Psychotic
Slut
Stupid
Touched
Unsound
Whore

Words I used to describe my offender

Dad
Daddy

A song for all of us

2006-03-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

I was just reading another blog and found a link to this song. I really like this song and wanted to share it with everyone who reads my blog. The song is long, but well worth listening to. I had to play it a few times because there is so much to it.

Dixie the Tiny Dog

Let me know what you think about it.

Survivors Dating Survivors

2006-03-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

I've been having converstations with several of my friends who are survivors and also single. We came up with the idea of having a Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse Dating Service.

What do you think of the idea? I think it could be a great one, but there is always the problem of some people being really dysfunctional. Is that something we should be concerned with?

I know for myself I want to get married. I know that many guys don't want to get involved with someone like me because I'm from a pretty "F _ _ _ ed up childhood. Who would want to have a child molester as a father-in-law?

Please give me your feedback on this idea!

Thunder

2006-03-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

Rain, Rain, go away,
Come on back another day

Buckingham Fountain
Lake Michigan
Lake Shore Drive
Sheridan Rd.
Grosse Point Lighthouse
Walker Brother's
Gilson Beach
Tower Beach
McCormick Massion
Summer Love
Finding Inner Peace

Sex

2006-03-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

I know writing about sex could bring the crazies out in force. But it's an issue.

I hate being alone, and some times I think it's better just to have a guy sleep over, just so I won't be alone. There's nothing as wonderful as waking up in someone's arms. The problem is when you don't have a special someone. Is it really that horrible to just "be with someone"?

I know things get complicated when you are a survivor. There's been times where I've been sexually active, and in the middle of it I have flashbacks of being raped. When you are with someone special, they usual understand. But if you are just having sex to have sex, it can get pretty ugly. The person doesn't necessarily wanna just stop and help you process what just happened. So then you end up feeling like you are being raped again.

If you are in one of these sorts of situations, and you tell the guy to stop, and he doesn't, is it rape? Or is it something else?

Is there anybody out there?

2006-03-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

Is there anybody out there?

The Pink Floyd song keeps playing in my head . . .

No one answers me . . .

I guess the answer is NO

God does NOT have my best interest in mind.

Is there really a God?
Is there really a me?

How do you know that God really has your best interests in mind?

2006-03-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

I was at a self-help group meeting. There was a discussion of "God having your best interests in mind." How do you know this is true? I surely had a difficult time understanding what they were talking about. I was the only Jew in the room (that I knew of). Is this a Christian concept and not a Jewish one?

Can anyone tell me that God had my best interest in mind while I was being abused? Was there some greater need for this to have happened? No one has ever been able to explain this to me. Please if anyone would like to try, I'd love to hear what you have to day.

Momma

2006-03-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

Every time I see a family and they have kids, I know it's something I'll never have.

When I see women who are pregnant I can't help but to remember the converstation I had with my doctor. She basically explained to me:

Because there is so much scar tissue, that it would take a miracle for me to get pregnant and another one for me to carry a baby long enough to live on their own.

Who in their right mind would want to marry someone like me? The odds are if I ever do get married, I will have to adopt.

I can just imagine explaining to my child:

I hate to tell you this, but you were adopted. I couldn't hold you in my womb because it was destroyed by the number of times your grandpa "_ _ _ _ed" me as a child.

Posting About My Life

2006-03-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

How safe is it to post about your life on a blog?

Will it come back to haunt me some day?

Is writing about my childhood and my healing making things worst for me?

I'll be honest some days I get scared. Other days it's a huge relief to tell the world. I was sexually abused as a child, and my offender's name was "Daddy".

Is it better to volunteer in a nursing home, and be with people who might have abused their children when they were growing up?

Or be here where I feel safe, and I can control who's around me, and know that no one here has abused anyone?

I'll be honest, I don't feel safe around old people. It freaks me out. If I had the time to volunteer time it would be with children no one wanted.

The way my life is right now, I'm lucky if I have time to go potty.

invisible cloak

2006-02-26T06:38:00.000-08:00

There are so many days I feel invisible. I can walk down the street and put on my invisible cloak and I can go undetected. Some times it feels like a wonderful skill, other days it makes me feel incredibly lonely.

I was walking down Lincoln Ave. Tripped and fell.

OUCH! My ankle turned colors, and is huge. Got to the ER only to learn I have a bad sprain. I gotta walk with crutches.

I don't like the attention. I feel like some sort of freak.
Now everyone is looking at me hobbling around. The invisible cloak isn't working.

I can't even run out to starbucks and walk back home.
I'm stuck drinking it there.

Fear of Rabbis

2006-02-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

I read this message on the Jewish Survivors blog and it scared me.

I then read this article on rabbis, confidentiality and other ethical issues.

I would hate for things I said in confidence spread all over the internet. I'm a survivor, I have a history that I wouldn't want makde public. I could see how easily this could happen to me.

At least if I talk to my therapist I know she is licensed and bound by confidentiality. I've been reading up on rabbis, and there is no such thing.

When a friend is suffering and or in pain

2006-02-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things for me is to know that a friend is in pain.
I want to help.
I want to be able to take away their suffering.
I just want to hold them and rock them to sleep.
I want them to know they are safe, that I'll do my best to protect them.
I guess it's my maternal instincts coming out.

Things get so complicated when you are a survivor.
You want to be helpful.
You want to be loving and caring.
You may not have had your friend's exact experiences, but you know the pain.
You know the flashbacks, you know the sadness, and loneliness that goes along with it.
You can relate on levels someone who wasn't abuse could never understand.

The problem gets complicated when your friend is male, and your are female,
Or you are male, and your friend is male.
I hate when what you may want to convey is misconstrued as something sexual.
You don't want to hurt your friend,
You just want them to know they are not alone, and that you care.

Solitude

2006-02-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

I love driving on LSD (Lake Shore Drive).
I love watching the waves crash up against the rocks.
I love daring the waves as I drive past. I've had days where I wished they take me back with them.

I love watching the ice formations on the trees. It's a frozen wasteland.

The lake is frozen solid in some areas, but looks can be deceiving. If you look closely, the ice moves, you can't walk out on it or you will go crashing into the frigid water.

Am I talking about what I see, or am I talking about my life?

Trusting

2006-02-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

My head spins so often, trying to figure out who I can trust.
My head spins trying to figure out if I've said too much.
My head spins trying to figure out if I have healthy boundaries.

I hate having to learn about trust.
I hate knowing there are times I make the mistake of telling to much to people.
I feel like I have diarrhea of the mouth.
I think someone is caring, and will understand, and I let all the shit out.
I hate being alone.

Will it help?

2006-02-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

My therapist came up with an idea that I should write a letter to God. She thought that would help me feel connected. I feel really stupid doing that. I feel like I should be writing a letter to Santa Claus.

Dear Santa,
here's my wish list, and while you're at it can you explain to me why I should believe in you? Oops, I'm Jewish, gotta start that over.

Dear Moshe Claus,
Can you tell me why I should believe in you? Are you really out there?

The Magic Hour

2006-02-16T16:52:00.000-08:00

Every night since I was a child,
3:00 am
I would hear the foot steps come into my bedroom.
I would try as hard as I could to pretend I was asleep.
It wouldn't matter.
I would feel his touch.
I would feel his breath upon me
I knew to be silent
I knew to be "good."
4:00 am would come and I could sleep.

To this very day,
I wake up at 3:00 am
In my mind I hear his footsteps,

To this very day,
I have flashbacks of him entering my bed.

To this very day,
I hate the hours between 3:00 - 4:00 am.

Looking For God, Looking For Answers

2006-02-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

Some days are harder then others. The other day was tough. I had a session with my therapist, and started asking why God let me be abused. I know we all have free will, but come on. This is a bit crazy for that to be the only answer.

My therapist isn't connected to anything spiritually, so she really couldn't answer. She suggested I ask a rabbi. So I started going through a phone book calling. No one seemed to have an answer for me. Most just got off the phone as quickly as possible. Not wanting to talk about incest.

I started typing in all sorts of url's. Did you know if you type in god.com, it comes to a Christian site? I didn't think they would have the answers I was looking for, so I typed in hashem.com. This brought me to a web page called "askmoses.com".

I looked around the site a bit, and figured it was Jewish. There was a place at the top that you can talk to a rabbi on line. So I tried it. I did it a few times. The first rabbi I had only could say it's because we have free will. He couldn't think of anything else to say to me.

Another rabbi just said I'm sorry that you were abused, and said that's not a "Jewish thing to do to your children." I typed in a bit more, but he just stopped responding.

A third rabbi, just told me to start going to Tanya classes. That's when I realized the web site was connected to Chabad. I told him I didn't feel comfortable going to classes. He just said he was sorry, but that was the best he could do.

I'm frustrated, and want answers. If anyone feels they can help me understand, please do.

Just Breathe

2006-02-14T02:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm suffocating.

I can't breathe. Is it just an anniversary reaction or am I sick?

Am I having a body memory, or am I having an asthma attack?

Is my body betraying me again?

I hate having to stop to figure this out.

Surviving Abuse and the Legal System

2006-02-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

It seems that there is a lot of pressure coming from those who have never been abused to use the legal system "to get" your offender. There are a lot of reasons why a survivor may choose not to do this. I know for myself, this is not the answer.

I never could imagine putting my father in jail. He's my dad. I love him. I don't care what he did to me. He is still my father.

If you try to put your offender in jail then your whole life story is open to the public, with your name attached. I don't know if I'd want that. I know that many survivors don't care. But for myself I do.

Early on when I started therapy I was such a mess. I would never want my psychological record made public. If I tried to sue my perpetrator I'm sure that would be entered into evidence. It's really not so simple to use the legal system.

I remember at one point I thought about suing my parents, to help me pay for counseling, but after doing research on the topic I decided I couldn't do that.

Below are some helpful links if someone else would be interested in learning what I did

Legal Resources for Victims of Sexual Abuse - by Susan K. Smith
Civil Compensation Claims By Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse - by Chester Fairley
Shifting the Burden of Truth: Suing Child Abusers - Joseph and Kimberly Crnuch

Sexual Abuse and Molestation in Illinois
Help For Victims - US Dept. of Justice

Tickytacky

2006-02-08T17:42:00.000-08:00

I remember growing up my mother would play this old song over and over again.

Was she trying to remind me what was expected of me. No matter what happened in our home I was supposed to look and sound like everyone else? Am I made of tickytacky?

Little Boxes

by Malvina Reynolds

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of tickytacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There's a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and there's lawyers, and business executives
And they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

I'll Love You If . . .

2006-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

What does it mean when your parents say "I love you"?

I was always confused by these words. People always talk about unconditional love. I have no idea what that is.

For me love always meant that something was wanted from me.

I'll love you only if you listen.
I'll love you only if you do what I tell you to do.
I'll love you only if you do well in school.
I'll love you only if you hang out with the "right" crowd.
I'll love you only if you look pretty.
I'll love you only if you make me feel good.

Can someone explain to me what unconditional love is?

Happy Birthday To Me

2006-02-07T06:22:00.000-08:00

My birthday is this month. I always try to do what I can to celebrate that I'm alive, that I survived my childhood. It's a reminder to me that what happened to me is in the past, and that I have my whole future ahead of me.

Believe me there are days it's hard to believe that I have a future. I still have flashbacks, and have to fight my depression. I hang out with my friends who are not survivors. They mostly come from loving families.

They never had the nickname of "my little slut." It was a term of endearment I heard often from my father after he tucked me into bed at night after an assault.

I have a future. I no longer need to be afraid.

What is Bughouse Square?

2006-01-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

I am an incest survivor from Chicago. Like many other survivors of childhood abuse, for many years I had no voice, choice was always taken away from me.

When I tried to get help for myself when I was young, no one would believe me that my father would do what he did to me. I was from a "nice" Jewish home. I was always told that Jewish father's don't molest their children. I felt so blamed and shamed until I started meeting other Jewish survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

I've been wanting to start a blog for awhile, but never could think of a good name for one. I drove past Washington Park (the home of Bughouse Square) today and remembered its history. It just made sense to name my blog after it.

Many people may not remember Bughouse Square in Chicago. In its infancy in the mid-1800’s, Bughouse Square was a place where people would gather to share stories on the news and the politics of the day. I guess you can say it was one of the original place for "Blogging".

Until I found the right help, and started meeting other survivors I really felt like I was crazy. Now I look back and just sort of laugh at myself. FYI: The word Bughouse is slang for a mental health facility. My blog is open to all Jewish survivors to share their insanity. :-)

I also thought it might be a great idea for us to share what resources there out there.

Does anyone know of any good ISA or SIA groups? Are there other self-help groups around?